So the National Rifle Association’s solution to our epidemic of mass murder by gun is to put an armed guard in every public school. My liberal friends are going to be surprised by this, but I say GREAT! Let’s do it!
I know what you’re thinking: but, Bruce, there were TWO armed guards at Columbine High School, and 15 kids got shot to pieces anyway. Well sure. Because two was obviously not enough! What we need is an armed guard in every classroom!
Let’s see . . . America has approximately 130,000 elementary and secondary schools, each with, conservatively, 30 classrooms on average. That means we’ll need . . . (calculating). . . 3.9 million armed guards. That might sound like a lot to the uninformed, but the fact is that it’s only about three times the number of active-duty men and women serving in the U.S. armed forces.
But wait a minute! Only a small percentage of mass murders by firearm happen in schools. They also happen in shopping malls, post offices, houses of worship, office buildings, wedding receptions, parking lots, theaters . . .
So? Let’s put armed guards in all those places, too! This would not only keep us safe but would be the greatest jobs program in history!
But, Bruce, you say. That would cost cost hundreds billions of dollars a year! Who will pay for all this?
Why, the answer couldn’t be more obvious! Since people running around with guns are the reason we need millions of armed guards with guns, the people running around with guns should foot the bill. We could collect the money simply by adding a surcharge to the sale of every gun and bullet. I’ll bet the responsible gun owner pictured at right is ready to do his part.
Better yet, let’s have the surcharge cover all the societal costs of guns: the funeral and medical expenses for the 100,000 Americans killed or injured annually by guns, the added cost of police protection required because so many people have guns, the wages families lose because of gun deaths, and so on. If we do that, each of the 10-to-14 million guns sold annually in the United States would, by my rough calculation, cost more than million dollars apiece.
But what the hey! Conservatives are sure to support my proposal. After all, they believe that all of us should pull our own weight, right? At least that’s what they keep telling us. They don’t want gun owners to be moochers or freeloaders, do they? Of course they don’t!
But Bruce, you ask, what if gun buyers resist paying this surcharge? What would we do, then? Why, the answer is obvious! We’ll simply deputize all of our anti-gun citizens and arm them with guns! The answer to every problem, always, is more guns! If you don’t believe me, just ask the NRA and it’s spokesman, John Wayne Gacey LaPierre.