The United States government today designated the Romney presidential campaign a federal disaster area and ordered a mandatory evacuation of its Boston headquarters.
FEMA director William Craig Fulgate said his agency has been monitoring the threat to the Romney campaign for months, concerned that the level of toxic bullshit has been rising at an alarming rate. Ironically, he said, the tipping point came with the recent release of a tape that showed Mitt Romney branding half of the American public as freeloaders who take no responsibility for their lives. By injecting a rare moment of candor into the mountain of bullshit, Fulgate said, the candidate inadvertently created an explosive situation that threatens to send a mushroom cloud of poisonous crap into the stratosphere.
Fulgate likened the situation to what happens when matter and anti-matter collide. “We hope,” he said, “that swift federal action can avoid an extensive loss of life.”
The disaster designation makes the Romney campaign eligible for federal disaster relief. In the past, Congressional Republicans have resisted approving disaster relief for storm and flood victims unless the cost could be “paid for” by equivalent cuts in services to starving children and disabled war veterans. This time, however, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Rush Limbaugh promised swift approval of a bill seeking eight billion dollars in federal aid.
Asked if accepting the federal relief would place him and his campaign among the “moochers” and “freeloaders” he loathes, Mitt Romney emitted his trademark nervous chuckle and changed the subject. “Hey, how about those Red Sox,” he said, unaware that the home team in one of the 50 states he claims as his home state had just clinched its first losing season since 1997.
A spokesman for Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan, the energetic young politician affectionately known as “Lyin’ Ryan,” was not available for comment. “He’s too busy trying to figure out how to get his House seat back,” the spokesman said.
Meanwhile, televangelist Pat Robertson took to the airwaves this morning to blame the disaster on U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, saying: “The black-robed turncoat’s decision to uphold Satanic Obamacare has incurred God’s wrath. And who but a flaming homosexual would wear a flowing robe anyway?”
Sean Hannity swiftly denounced Robertson’s comments, placing the blame squarely at the feet of Sandra Fluke.
Clint Eastwood, appearing on the Daily Show to promote his new film, “Trouble With the Curve,” declined host John Stewart’s invitation to assign blame, saying “Talk to the chair.”