With Nancy Pelosi now calling for impeachment articles to be drafted, I’d like to give her a hand. She wants to keep the number of articles short, so forgive me for leaving a lot of stuff out.
Resolution to Impeach Donald J. Trump, President of the United States, for high crimes and misdemeanors:
Article 1. Cheats at golf.
Article 2. “There are good people on both sides.”
Article 3. Putin’s bitch.
Article 4. “We need you to do us a favor, though.”
Article 5. Rudy Giuliani.
Article 6. Lies like the rest of us breathe.
Article 7. Gutted clean air and water regulations.
Article 8. Doesn’t like dogs.
Article 9. Don Jr.
Article 10. Global laughingstock
Article 11. Megalomania.
Article 12. “Grab ‘em by the pussy.”
Article 13. Preschooler’s knowledge of American history.
Article 14. Abandoned the Kurds.
Article 15. Ben Carson
Article 16. Kidnapped children and put them in cages.
Article 17. Atrocious spelling and grammar.
Article 18. Xenophobia.
Article 19. Bill Barr.
Article 20: Takes policy advice from Sean Hannity and the idiots at Fox & Friends
Article 21 Climate change denier.
Article 22. Witness tampering.
Article 23. Scott Pruitt.
Article 24. Treats justice department as his personal law firm.
Article 25. Shifted money from important programs for his fucking border wall.
Article 26. Obstructing the Muller investigation.
Article 27. Betsy DeVos
Article 28. Maligned John McCain even after his death.
Article 29. Branded our free press “the enemy of the people.”
Article 30. Opened public land to despoliation by private interests.
Article 31. Stephen Miller.
Article 32. Rolled over for the gun lobby.
Article 33. Trump University.
Article 34. Serial violator of the emoluments clause.
Article 35. That hideous orange makeup.
Article 36. Mocked a handicapped reporter.
Article 37. All those Nazi-style rallies.
Article 38. Kissing up to Kim Jong-un and Erdoğan.
Article 39. Brett “I like beer” Kavanaugh.
Article 40. Gutting and undermining our diplomatic corps.
Article 41. Palling around with the likes of Alex Jones, Lev Parnas, and Jeffrey Epstein.
Article 42. Hush money payments.
Article 43. Steve Mnuchin.
Article 44. Picking fights with gold-star families.
Article 45. Stupid tariffs.
Article 46. Pardoning war criminals.
Article 47. Attacking the independence of the Federal Reserve.
Article 48. Telling three women members of Congress to go back where they came from.
Article 50. Eric.
Article 51. Peeping at teenage beauty contestants.
Article 52. Obstructing the impeachment investigation.
Article 53. Claiming the constitution says “I can do anything I want.”
Article 54. Pardoning Joe Arpaio.
Article 55. Blaming California for wildfires because it doesn’t rake its forests.
Article 56. Throwing paper towels at Puerto Rico hurricane survivors and thinking he had accomplishing something.
Article 57. Weakening our alliances.
Article 58. Taking Putin’s word over our intelligence agencies about foreign election interference
Article 59. Using a sharpie to alter a hurricane weather map.
Article 60. “Russia, if you are listening . . . “
Article 61. Serving McDonalds and Burger King meals to athletes at White House.
Article 62. Muslim travel ban.
Article 63. Spygate conspiracy theory.
Article 64. Demanding staff study feasibility of putting alligators and snakes in a moat at our southern border.
Article 65. Stealing from his own charity.
Article 66. Ryan Zinke
Article 67. Gutting federal science programs.
Article 68. Claiming the president is immune from being investigated for anything.
Article 69. Michael Flynn.
Article 70. Wasting millions of taxpayer dollars on weekend golf trips.
Article 71. A decades-long trail of not paying his bills.
Article 72. Cheating on his taxes.
Article 73. Corey Lewandowski.
Article 74. Proclaiming a “middle class tax cut” that was primarily a massive tax cut for the wealthy.
Article 75. Praising a congressman for body-slamming a reporter.
Article 76. Describing a sex party to an audience of Boy Scouts.
Article 77. Roger Stone.
Article 78. Firing people by tweet.
Article 79. “Only I can fix it.”
Article 80. Making presidential calls on unsecure cell phones.
Article 81. Striping security clearances from his critics.
Article 82. Calling Danish Prime Minister “nasty” because she wouldn’t sell him Greenland.
Article 83. Disseminating Soviet propaganda and loony conspiracy theories.
Article 84. Trying to kick transgender people out of the military.
Article 85. Helping the Saudis cover up the murder of a journalist.
Article 86. Using the CIA’s honored dead as a TV prop.
Article 87. “Shithole countries.”
Article 88. Paul Manafort.
Article 89. Claiming “an absolute right to pardon myself.”
Article 90. Serial philanderer.
Article 91. Skipping ceremony to honor war dead on the Anniversary of D-Day because of a little rain.
Article 92. Bone spurs.
Article 93. Attempting to repeal Obamacare without a plan to replace it.
Article 94. Tom Price.
Article 95. A ridiculous comb-over and dye job that fool nobody.
Article 96. Voter suppression.
Article 97. Civil rights rollbacks.
Article 98. Falsely claiming that three million illegal immigrants voted in the 2016 election.
Article 99. Filling administration with lobbyists after promising to do the opposite.
Article 100. Demonstrating, on a daily basis, that he is a sociopath.